So it's nearly 5am...and I'm sitting here crying.

And honestly...shockingly....I think this is the first time, since graduating high school, that I've sat and cried about my friends. And how much I miss them.

I talked to Katie and Kayla tonight, which of course was great. Even though I never really think about it, it was great just to hear their voices. Which I find odd since I don't call them often even when I'm in the country.

But after some thought provoking reading (thanks Kayla) I've been thinking quite a bit, and quite bluntly to myself. About myself. Trying to be honest with myself.

Maybe it also has to do with the fact that its so late, and my mind just doesn't have the strength to pretend everything is okay. Something I've gotten quite good at over the years. Sadly this only used to be a defense mechanism I mainly developed to keep others from knowing what was really going on...but lately it's become so that I've begun to use it on myself without realizing it.

But tonight, I'm letting myself be sad, and listen to what I'm trying to tell me, without ignoring me, or trying to reason a way out of it.


So I'm in London. Obviously everyone knows that I've always wanted to come here. But this past year there were more reasons than before. London was to be my escape. To make everything better. I knew that if I could just go to London, I could get back to 'me', get back around 'people'. I like being around people.

This past semester I was so alone I couldn't stand it. I felt like I was changing. Changing into someone I didn't like. Or maybe for once I was finally revealed to the real me. So much of who I am, or who I thought I was, was defined by my friends in high school. And I mean that in an amazing, I love who I am, kinda way. It's just that now, post high school, away from friends, finding out if that person was really me, or just reflections of the wonderful friends surrounding me, is starting to become the real trial.

These past few months, well more than that, from June till December, were some that I would describe as one of the worst periods of my life. There were ups, but mainly I remember the downs. In every way you can sink down. I was poor, overworked, lonely, and on top of that depressed because of all of this. Trying to deal with the depression only made me more upset, because I just could NOT get out of this feeling of being in a slump.

I was getting desperate, I knew that I had to do something. I thought if only I could get away from all of this....crap, things will right themselves, and everything will be okay again. I didn't think I could last another semester, and being around people, new people seemed like it would help tremendously. I decided that part of my depression was from being so isolated, away from campus, away from friends, and that next year when the dorms were finished moving in would be what I'd need to make everything bearable again.

Almost on a rash decision I thought, if I go to London for the second semester I'll be able to get away now, quicker, and sort stuff out there, before coming back, and by that time I'll be able to be in the dorms. It was the answer to all my problems. I'd planned on going to London anyways, why not this year. Right now. Move up the plans, it still gets accomplished and I might just figure out what the hell I wanna do with my life while I'm there, shake things up a bit. Perfect.

While all that is good and well, running away isnt the answer. But it seems like thats what I was doing. And I don't even know what I was running away from. The fear that the person I thought I was, isn't at all who I am? Someone I don't even know or like? Why would I need to have people around me to feel like 'me'?

I know people change, especially from high school to college, it's inevitable. But I think the part of me trying to hang on to the person I was in high school is really trying to hang on to the past for the friends I made there. Because they're such amazing friends, and were--if not are--such a huge part of me that losing some of that makes me afraid to lose them?

Not that changing would make me lose them, but especially with how rough things have already been just in the 2 years since college with the distance there is, it makes the future seem so bleak, and I try so hard to ignore that fact, to refuse to accept it. But what if me refusing it just isn't enough. I mean, everyone else changes too, how likely is it that we'll be able to change in the same path/direction/atmosphere whatever it may be.

I hate to feel so pessimistic but sometimes I wonder if the constant optimist in me is just too far beyond the reach of reality.

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