*Sigh*

So lately I've been feeling...pressure? to get closer with my family. I don't know if it's a guilt thing, or if it's just part of growing up and realizing how important they are to you, and needing to appreciate them before you lose them. Maybe it's just a pre-homesickness thing that I'm feeling before going off to London. Or maybe a pre-homesickness thing before I'm nearly completely detached post-college. I only have 2 years left, then I'm supposed to start my own life.

But all of it has got me trying to have more conversations with everyone. My brother, and my dad in particular. I talk to my mom almost everyday it's scary. We're more like sisters than mother/daughter, so I don't really miss her much, haha.

When I was home last weekend I went and visited the old ones (the fam's nickname for Marv and Annette), which was really really odd for me. In all of my 7 years of living in LC I've never just gone over to visit them, and I live like 2 blocks away. And this came about like 2 weeks before a holiday when I know I'm going to see them, so what made me suddenly decided to try and start slowly bridging a gap?

I don't know. Maybe I'm tired of feeling so distanced from them, and things being awkward when I run into them (not on a special occasion) around town. Or maybe it's cause I've been hearing that Marv's not doing so well lately. But I went to visit my grandma at work, and then stopped by the house to see Marv. And after I'd done so I felt really good about it. I think they were both shocked to hell, but I'm glad that I actually am starting to make an effort to try and fix our relationships before it's too late.

Speaking of fixing relationships, when it comes to my 'lil sis, I don't even know where to start since it's hard to fix something that practically never existed. I hate that I have a sister, and don't know her. I hate that I'm so far away from her that it'll be hard to ever get to know her. Things like this make me contemplate moving to a city like Denver, and finding something to do there, rather than following wherever my career could take me. I'd be closer, and get to see not just her as she grows up, but all my family more often in general.

Of course, maybe I won't, and it wouldn't change anything. But part of me wonders how much of my own selfish needs/wants should be worth sacrificing for family and friendships. Like what if I love living in another country? I don't think I could make that decision knowing that it'd only make all of my existing relationships worse. I know that people become distanced with distance and time, and I hate that, but as much as I try not to let it happen it does. I recognize it even now with friends, only a year and a half out of high school, and it's most definitely obvious with how much I feel like I don't know my brother since we've lived apart, or how less attached I feel to my dad as I've grown up seeing him less and less over the last 14 years.

It all sucks. And I want to know how to fix it. I just wish there were some clear cut way and someone would tell me what to do. Even then, I don't know how easy it would be to maintain the path of following that advice. Ughhhh.....thoughts. I don't know why people say life is short, and can make everything so simple. Life is the longest fricken thing you will ever do. It's difficult, and every little decision you can effect it, and you can never go back and redo it. You get one shot to make it great. I hope I can figure out how to make mine worth it.

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