The other day I was feeling really immature, at least with my thinking process.

First I had to decide whether or not to take off work to spend money that I won't be earning back this weekend to make a trip home. I know that even though my dad came up to see me for Thanksgiving that should have been enough, but I still really feel like I need to go, since I didn't get to last week. I know it's not the smartest move I could make, and I'd be much better off saving my money, but I just feel like being selfish and childish, and dangit I wanna go home!

Do you ever get jealous of the people that knew you when you were little and too young to remember anything about your own life yourself? I never thought about it, but last night I was thinking about how Scott, Al, and Amy were all like 13 when I was 5 and I know how I percieve my young cousins and little sister at the age I am now, and suddenly I was like, that's so wierd that they've gotten to witness my entire life since I was born to knowing me now in the present. And I wonder what my personality was like then, or how they thought about me then compared to now, or if it seems like I grew up into the person I always seemed I would be. It's almost not fair that they have so much more experience and insight into my life in that way, and I don't, haha. So there ya go, childish thoughts Section 2.

Section 3. Last night I got an e-mail from my mom talking about what an awesome day they had hunting while school was cancelled, and some pics of Devon and all the birds he shot on his first time. He looked like he had a great day and I was really happy for him, that things seem to be working really well so far.


Then I was curious as to whether my mom sent the e-mail to John too, and if he'd be jealous because the one thing he likes to do down in Loup City is go hunting and the last 2 times he came down they didn't get to go. But then I was like, psh, it's John he wouldn't care. But that made me wonder if I did. Not that I was jealous that he got to go hunting, because I don't enjoy it, never really have. But the fact that he has this Outdoor Trait that all the grandparents, uncles, and cousins share, and that he can fit so well into a family that I never have been able to. I was always the odd-man even in my own immediate family growing up because I was more into my own hobbies with movies and music than I ever was into anything everyone else liked to do.

So then I felt really pathetic, because there's no reason not to be happy for him I'm glad he has something he enjoys in common with Marc and the rest of our family, and like I've said, I've never fit into my family that way, and I've accepted that long ago, haha, so why would it suddnely bother me now? It's not like I'm suddenly gonna jump at the chance to go do more hunting and fishing to try and change, it's just not who I am.

And I've been more than happy to offer my bed and room, tv, car anything that Devon can to help him feel more comfortable with the move, that I'm obviously not using or won't be while I'm in London. Okay I have to admit, the movies was the hardest thing for me, lol. I mean, he's only gonna borrow them to watch them, it's not like he's gonna be sleeping in it like a bed, which you think would have more personal attachment....but I don't know why...they're my movies. There were a few moments of hesitancy whether I liked it or not.

Plus, I had to send Weezy down there all by herself, and I feel guilty for not taking her myself to ease her into the transition. Although it sounds like she's doing great without me, and my mom keeps calling me with funny little stories, and then I start to feel jealous like a two-year old or something because I'm missing out on the fun. And I know that if I don't go down this weekend I won't get to help put up the tree or decorate, and that is a HUGE chunk of where my Christmas spirit builds up from, I don't think I've ever not gotten to be a part of it.

So against all my better judgement...I think I'm going home this weekend, because I feel like a selfish two-year old, so why not act like it. Minus the whole driving thing, I think I should try to maintain my age during that ;)

Sidenote: I didn't mean for this to come off sounding at all negative. If it does, I'm sorry, I'm just judging myself for my childish thoughts rather than putting them out there to complain about something.

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