It’s amazing because throughout most of my life I’ve been very focused on going where I need to go, and doing what I need to do, to follow (or create, rather) my career path. One would think after being laid off and just having gone through the job-searching process again so recently, I’d still be stressing over it all, but in the past few weeks I’ve been unusually calm; especially considering a few other events that have been occurring. My roommate unexpectedly moved out last weekend, leaving my other roommate and I with a full 2 months on our lease—too little time to worry about finding a new roommate, yet too much to be financially comfortable with covering his share for the remainder.

I’ve been contemplating moving back to Nebraska once my lease here is up. I don’t have much of a reason why, besides the fact that I feel like my time in St. Louis is done. At least, I was always expecting it to be by this time. I don’t really have any desire to remain here, besides gaining a few months experience with my new job as a videographer. It’s only a weekend gig, and nothing large enough to hold me here, so I really have no qualms with the idea of leaving it whenever need be.

Besides that, my job with Technisource at the CitiBank warehouse is only guaranteed through May. Beyond that, I imagine myself searching out another job as soon as possible. Meaning, it would most likely be working front desk at a hotel, or something equally wasting of my degree.

I never really understood my classmates who would talk about ‘just working’ for a while after graduating either high school or college. I guess in my own mind I was just always terrified that should I ever attempt the same thing, I would end up ‘just working’ for the rest of my life, never accomplishing the goals I’d had in mind.

Only now, I’ve already accomplished my list of goals I’d set for myself since…who knows when…the age 8? It was always about graduating high school, graduating college, starting a career. What comes after that? Surprisingly I’ve never though about it in too much detail. Sure, I’d had short fantasies or flashes of dreams of where I’d like to be. But most of those also take place further (farther?) into the future. Like, adopting kids, where I’d raise them, traveling the world more, growing old, etc. etc. I’ve never sketched out my early/mid/late twenties.

Which is precisely what I now need to be doing. The trouble is, when I sit down and try to think about my immediate future, and what I’d like to accomplish, I just can’t make up my mind. With the way things are in our world (more specifically, the American economy) right now, part of me thinks, “This is why you need to have a plan” and the other part of me thinks, “Look at where planning gets you, no one can plan for this. Just live your life, and be happy.”

To be honest, thanks to the idealist and dreamer within myself, I’ve pretty much always subscribed to the latter belief. And though, it still holds ultimate truth and promise in my eyes, it doesn’t help me figure out where I’m gonna be living in 6 weeks.

While I still ultimately wish to relocate to another city (Chicago? Austin? Denver? Seattle?), I feel like I need some time before I begin that next chapter in my life. Not out of fear of moving and starting from scratch, knowing no-one…maybe I’m searching for some sort of closure to this chapter? I guess unlike other times-of-change in my life, this one isn’t centered around a specific event. Maybe that’s why it feels so out of place.

On another note.

I’ve felt much happier with my personal life and friendships these past few weeks. Immediately following a depressing low of being laid off and unemployed for a full month, I accepted not only one but two-jobs the same weekend Hurricane Beca came to town. I can’t describe how things are when she’s around, nor do I really understand why. We are so very different, and there are definitely moments when I cannot fathom how in the world we became or remain friends, but there is most definitely a bond there that I’m positive Abby (and previously, Noel) would acknowledge as well. I still don’t know whether I credit London and the experience of living abroad for this, or if it’s something I would not have found, had I been there with any other group of girls.

Speaking of Abby, I am so very thrilled that she has moved back to St. Louis, and with Alisha in tow. The week Beca was here (right after their move) was amazing, as if getting off work, and heading to their place to hang out, with all of us together was the normal routine.

Obviously, the schedule was a little grueling, because she was only here for a week (there is no way I could handle that many late nights with getting up every morning at 6am on a regular basis). But it was well worth it, and I can’t wait to see her again. I can’t believe it had already been over a year since I’d seen her the last time.

Then, following Beca Week, it was Kara Week! Which was equally exhausting, and amazing for the chance to reconnect with Kara. I’m glad she had the opportunity to come down, because I felt like I was slipping up in terms of keeping in touch with her. Something I will have to keep on my toes about.

I guess the other thing that would be great about staying in St. Louis for a while longer would definitely be getting to spend more time around Abby and Alisha now that they’re here. It wouldn’t seem very fair for me to leave so soon after they arrived. Abby and have tentatively planned to learn how to ride motorcycles this summer, and I’ve accepted the challenge of teaching her how to drive. Her reasoning: Of anyone else, I’m the least likely to yell at her for nearly killing us, since I do it myself on a monthly, if not weekly basis.

Of course, feeling fulfilled with reconnecting with various friends here is also a driving force behind my wanting to live in Kearney for a few months, to afford the same opportunities with friends back in NE.

Well, after realizing it was getting cold, and therefore letting Sasha Fierce in, I’m confident my energies are going to be required elsewhere for the remainder of the evening. My brain has decided it’s had enough analyzing and deep thinking for the time being.

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