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Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Thoughts of a 2 yr-old?
11/30/2005 12:56:00 PM The other day I was feeling really immature, at least with my thinking process. First I had to decide whether or not to take off work to spend money that I won't be earning back this weekend to make a trip home. I know that even though my dad came up to see me for Thanksgiving that should have been enough, but I still really feel like I need to go, since I didn't get to last week. I know it's not the smartest move I could make, and I'd be much better off saving my money, but I just feel like being selfish and childish, and dangit I wanna go home! Do you ever get jealous of the people that knew you when you were little and too young to remember anything about your own life yourself? I never thought about it, but last night I was thinking about how Scott, Al, and Amy were all like 13 when I was 5 and I know how I percieve my young cousins and little sister at the age I am now, and suddenly I was like, that's so wierd that they've gotten to witness my entire life since I was born to knowing me now in the present. And I wonder what my personality was like then, or how they thought about me then compared to now, or if it seems like I grew up into the person I always seemed I would be. It's almost not fair that they have so much more experience and insight into my life in that way, and I don't, haha. So there ya go, childish thoughts Section 2. Section 3. Last night I got an e-mail from my mom talking about what an awesome day they had hunting while school was cancelled, and some pics of Devon and all the birds he shot on his first time. He looked like he had a great day and I was really happy for him, that things seem to be working really well so far.  Then I was curious as to whether my mom sent the e-mail to John too, and if he'd be jealous because the one thing he likes to do down in Loup City is go hunting and the last 2 times he came down they didn't get to go. But then I was like, psh, it's John he wouldn't care. But that made me wonder if I did. Not that I was jealous that he got to go hunting, because I don't enjoy it, never really have. But the fact that he has this Outdoor Trait that all the grandparents, uncles, and cousins share, and that he can fit so well into a family that I never have been able to. I was always the odd-man even in my own immediate family growing up because I was more into my own hobbies with movies and music than I ever was into anything everyone else liked to do. So then I felt really pathetic, because there's no reason not to be happy for him I'm glad he has something he enjoys in common with Marc and the rest of our family, and like I've said, I've never fit into my family that way, and I've accepted that long ago, haha, so why would it suddnely bother me now? It's not like I'm suddenly gonna jump at the chance to go do more hunting and fishing to try and change, it's just not who I am. And I've been more than happy to offer my bed and room, tv, car anything that Devon can to help him feel more comfortable with the move, that I'm obviously not using or won't be while I'm in London. Okay I have to admit, the movies was the hardest thing for me, lol. I mean, he's only gonna borrow them to watch them, it's not like he's gonna be sleeping in it like a bed, which you think would have more personal attachment....but I don't know why...they're my movies. There were a few moments of hesitancy whether I liked it or not. Plus, I had to send Weezy down there all by herself, and I feel guilty for not taking her myself to ease her into the transition. Although it sounds like she's doing great without me, and my mom keeps calling me with funny little stories, and then I start to feel jealous like a two-year old or something because I'm missing out on the fun. And I know that if I don't go down this weekend I won't get to help put up the tree or decorate, and that is a HUGE chunk of where my Christmas spirit builds up from, I don't think I've ever not gotten to be a part of it. So against all my better judgement...I think I'm going home this weekend, because I feel like a selfish two-year old, so why not act like it. Minus the whole driving thing, I think I should try to maintain my age during that ;) Sidenote: I didn't mean for this to come off sounding at all negative. If it does, I'm sorry, I'm just judging myself for my childish thoughts rather than putting them out there to complain about something. Monday, November 28, 2005
Thanksgiving
11/28/2005 02:54:00 PM So for Thanksgiving my dad randomly decided that he was gonna drive up and see me. It was a little surprising but the holiday ended up being so much better than I had expected. I'm really glad that my dad decided to come up. And not just because he brought a pickup and is hauling a load of my crap home for me ;) So he got here around 5-ish on Thursday and we went hunting for somewhere that would be open on the holiday for supper. We found a Denny's but passed it and ended up at a Jack in the Box for Thanksgiving Dinner. It was awesome. So the next day of course we got up and went and mini-toured Webster, mainly the outside of stuff since everything was still closed. I think he was comforted by finally getting to see the school, and where I've been living etc. Of course we did the touristy thing, and went to the Cathedral and took some pics, and then the Arch. Bad bad idea. I mean it was neat and all, and we got to see the Lewis & Clark video which was pretty good, but let me leave you with this piece of advice. Never ever Visit a National Monument on a Holiday! After spending most of our time at the Arch waiting to take the trip to the top, we headed home and caught the second half of the Nebraska/Colorado game. After that we decided to go take some pics of the Kingshighway bridge (which we never did) and ended up in the Loop and had supper at Fitz's Bottling Co. It was good. Can I just say, Texas Chili Burger...delightful. Then on the way home we stopped at Blockbuster to pick up Batman Begins, and yes, even Ted Drewes, haha. He couldn't resist after seeing the crowd outside at night, in the freezing cold. That alone convinced him that there must be something good enough to make him join the line of lunatics. It was funny though, there were like individuals ordering like 20 Concretes, or bags full of different shakes and things with chunks of dry ice, to take it all home for the family. Smart though, then only one person has to look like an idiot and freeze their butts off, but everyone gets to enjoy the amazing goodness in the warmth of their home, haha. Someone sent their grandpa out, haha, how mean. He was laughing and in good spirits though. And he didn't have to use his memory, cause they gave him a list ;) So now, break is over, but I feel happy--with a half empty apartment and a couple full days of father-daughter bonding. My dad left Saturday morning with Weezy, so at least he had some company for the ride home. He got to make it to LC in time for Thanksgiving with the Gallaway clan before most of them left, and then took off for Sidney on Sunday in the blizzard. But he made it home okay, so all is good. Anyways, I hope everyone had a good break, and plenty of good times like I did :)
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Wednesday, November 23, 2005
I think my instructor may have changed my life
11/23/2005 12:53:00 PM Not just in this one class today, but throughout the semester, I've been feeling more and more passionate about well, my major, Media Communications, which previously, had just been an accident of sorts where my advisor suggested I use this overhead title that gives more broad recognition than that attached to Video Production. Even though both have mostly the same pre-requisites etc. (if I take all the video credits I need I automatically get a minor in it). But anyways, so every week my teacher writes comments on my papers about my writing or whenever she hears about openings at local papers, or comments about being a freelance writer, and today in class she made a comment about me being a Journalism or Broadcast Journalism major, and I was like. Yeah, that's wrong actually. Even though I swear she knew this before she just keeps refusing to accept that I'm not a writer, haha. She was like, really? Why do I keep thinking that you are? And of course she was then like, oh well you maybe you should become a journalist. (If she only knew I loath my media writing class--although I hope to get alot of work done on my novel in London, and have started developing another one--but thats just a challenge for myself and soley for my entertainment) Her comments on my writing however are not what has made an impact on me, but through the writing I've been turning in, and her class, even her as an instructor have made me start thinking alot differently about how much I love the class and materials and how to get more of it and apply it to my life and career, cause I just don't seem to be getting enough of it in the classes we have once a week. Sometimes I feel like I just want her to be my mentor or something so I can follow her around and she can teach me about the world. But in my quest for more of this information, I've also been thinking about what a shame it is that Media Literacy is so sparse in American Education systems today, and how it needs to be changed, that someone needs to be out there teaching this stuff to our youth. I know I wish I had learned more about it earlier in life. THAT is what got me thinking about keeping my major (instead of officially switching it/narrowing it down to video next fall like I planned) and the possibility of *gasp* becoming a teacher. I used to actually want to be a teacher but never felt I had something I closely connected with that I was passionate about teaching. Literature and History came closest, but that vs. the pay and school system crap wasn't enough to convince me. With this, even though there's not much going on right now, I know that there will be an increase in media education being taught at younger levels like High School and Elementary soon. Heck, it already has been for 20-some years in Ireland, England, Australia, and Canada. Which is mostly due to us, since 50% of those countries media is imported from America, they began studying media long ago, curious of the effects all this media from another country may have on their culture and students. Pretty much every other country in the world has been learning and teaching EXCEPT for us, because we're where it's coming from. Doesn't that seem backwards? It's more obvious to them, since they get their media source from elsewhere, and yet, we're exposed to the stuff we're producing too, and have absolutely no knowledge about it. It's insane. But anyways, with media being the fastest growing industry in America, and the #2 export (second only to military technology) there will be an increased need for teachers in school systems to educate the masses (as it is mass media)how to analyze what they take in. I may have to move to New Mexico or North Caroline to look for work, but who knows. So possibilty to continue the line of teachers in the family, and follow in my professors footsteps as well? Maybe. It's definitely not off the table.
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I Love Freakin Annie Lennox!
11/23/2005 08:38:00 AM Okay, so of course, like always, I cannot help but sit through the crap that is award shows these days in the hopes of witnessing a gem of a moment that would be of some or little relevance to my life. So last night was the AMA's, unusually more sucky than normal. I think I even preferred this years VMA's which were pretty poorly hosted by P.Diddy. Last night I think I saw Cedric the Entertainer like 3 times? and he wasn't very funny at all. Of course I was switching back and forth between that and Gilmore Girls for the first hour so...maybe I missed one good line here or there. Anyways, I was apalled with the horrible performances. Los Lonely Boys with Santana rocked, lovely, as was Rob Thomas, Sheryl Crow, and Keith Urban. Real Musicians, those who deserved to be there, and perform even though they won no awards. Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw were aiight. Cyndi Lauper done good with Sarah McLaughlan. But seriously....I hate Omarion. Lip Synching. Bow Wow and Ciara were uneventful, but I still love them. Mariah opened and sucked it up...bad. She even apologized immediately after when she accepted her award. For the performance and for her dress, which apparently wasn't finished being sewn on when it came time for the show to start. Hint to Mariah--if you have to be sewn into particular clothes, you shouldn't be wearing them. And WHAT!? I have to sit through LinLo AND Duff!? How the hell did they get here, and who let them in?! This is a music show. They should not be nominated much less PERFORMING. What will they perform? They can't SING! Hilary totally lipped it, and with her hands close to her face and her back to the audience half the time as if she could hide it. Seriously, your among your "peers", the people who do this for a living, you think they can't tell when someone is really singing? Even Lindsay gets props for at least having a mic plugged in. Not that this means she sang (or sang well). She tried during some parts, but that doesn't mean you heard her the rest of the song. She had 10 back up singers! TEN! I counted. Even they should be fired, cause even though they were doing the job of drowning LL out they still didn't sound much nicer than her. Biggest Heart Moment of the Night: THE FREAKIN EURYTHMICS REUNITED!!!! AGGGHHH!!! They did a mini-medly sorts, Missionary Man completely rocked my face off. For their techno 80s/90s stuff being so much more popular, they can rock. Especially Annie on those vocals, it was so awesome to hear that rock growl come back after she's been doing so much soul and soft rock oriented stuff the past few years. She's an amazing vocalist. Sweet Dreams was okay, but it seemed slow or lacking of something. Maybe I'm just used to the KC's rocked out version. Still, Eurythmics were the highlight. Rolling Stones, not so much. But this much is true: I heart Annie Lennox. Even with all her spasmy awkward movements (the benefit of her being behind a piano with softer stuff is to prevent this ) I don't know why I enjoy it with her and Celine and can't stand Mariah and Jessica Simpson doing it. But then again, maybe I have a thing for chicks in pantsuits doing the spasmy dancing. It's just more humorous than annoying.
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Sunday, November 20, 2005
Something About Today
11/20/2005 03:22:00 PM Today has been very strange so far. It's not one of those days where you feel like the whole day has just been grand, or in other words, "a great day". But it is definitely not a bad day. Suprisingly it started quite offbeat. This morning Ruth woke me up, and was like, "Hey, I didn't know you were here, but there's someone coming to look at the apartment in 15 mins" haha. So of course I began my morning frantic, trying to clean my room, make my bed, and get dressed before anyone arrived. Completely throwing any plans I had made for the morning out of the window. Though I don't know if I can really use that expression, because although I normally have each day planned before it begins (or recently, I've had to) this morning was already odd before it began, because last night I didn't actually lay out any plans for what would happen today. I knew that I would have done some cleaning anyways in my room, cause that's what I do Sundays--maybe the dishes, that I would do laundry at some point in the day, and depending on my mood and the mood of the weather perhaps take some photographs. The blessing of having my routing completely thrown out of order lies in the fact that because of the haste of my morning I didn't have any time to appropriately think about my plans for the days after waking up, since I hadn't yet thought about them in detail. My sole goal was to get things in order, and help make the showing of the apt. go smoothly. Which I thought went well, I hope the situation works cause it seems to be a perfect fit, but more on that later. So once that was over, my mind was completely blank with no task lined up to follow. So I sat down for a bit, had some tea and just let my mind rest and clear itself out for a while. I grabbed my book (at the moment, Wicked) and just read for probably near 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Of course escaping from my own life for just a while had seemed to work wonders for the moment, but once my mind began drifting back to the fringes of the present, and I reached a reasonable stopping point, I returned from the land of Oz and back into my little brown chair in the corner, with my tea and coffee table in front of me. Then I was ready to finally be up and about. I figured I would leave the apartment, maybe go check my e-mail and work schedule and grab some change for laundry, not making any further plans then that. And while I was driving in my car I finally realized how at peace I feel today. Maybe it was the break for my mind from having to think immediately after becoming conscious from it's nightly hibernation, by having tasks thrust in the way without time to comprehend them, or by escaping into another realm for extended break before having to deal with the day at hand. Maybe it's the fact that the weather is so different today, that today really does feel out of the norm. It's almost like the first day of winter here. It's not terribly cold, a bit chilly. Overcast. As close to a winter day as it could be, without rain and dark skies. Maybe it was The Beauty and The Tragedy, a cd I'd for so long forgotten, singing me wonderfully written tales of life and love in such an uplifting perspective through the speakers of my car stereo. Whatever due to any of these, in a nice adjustment from my days of late (all seeming to blur into one another) today seems distinctly separate. As if the world (or my world at least) has decided to rest on pause for a short while. And though most likely my daily regement and pace will pick up where left off tommorrow morning, for today I'm simply enjoying "pause". Sure, I will still get some tasks accomplished, some photography, write a paper...but I don't feel any pressure weighing me down from these tasks, and certainly no rush. Friday, November 18, 2005
I swear this man is my other half!
11/18/2005 12:40:00 PM So yeah, recently with my rediscovery of love-ness for Celine Dion (through X-mas music and finding an old cd I thought I lost) I had been thinking about how I still need to catch her show in Vegas. In fact, Xtra had just done a segment where they sent Brian McKnight to go BTS of the show, and I was extremely jealous. I need to get moving and start saving for a trip to Vegas. Summer Vaca anyone? ANYWAYS! I decided to browse Mraz's journal since I hadn't for a while only to find that once again, we share a secret love in common (remember the Mary Poppins thing? and the little Mermaid sheets?) 10.30.05 CDISMYGF I should be shooshed for slurping slush through a straw from the bottom of my empty tonic during Celine Dion¹s 427th performance at the Coliseum at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Those numbers are true AND she has 300 and some more to go. Lucky lady. Celine rocks out in the largest theatre ever designed, in front of the largest television screen ever built. This screen cuts and pastes a variety of landscapes and images to the middle class sightseers delight. At one point Celine was enlarged on the screen to explosive proportions, complete with enraged hell fire and dragon¹s breath surrounding her Milfy physique. I just think it¹s amazing that she can sprint along a raked (slanted) stage and keep up with the dance moves and never miss a beat nor become winded as I do during minimal improvised choreography that appears in such songs as Geek or the French version of Remedy. I will hand it to Celine though, her French is much more fluid than mine. I have no idea what she¹s saying, but neither do I know what I¹m saying half the time. I took my mom to see the show, which was a blast. My mom and I always attended these kinds of shows (i.e. Barry Manilow & Yanni (no kidding)) when I was growing up so it was good to revisit our old haunts sort of speak. But we had cake and got to tour the backstage area and see The Celine Pant Suit up close and personal. Isn¹t this the second time I¹ve posted about Celine? I must be in love.
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Thursday, November 17, 2005
11/17/2005 08:39:00 PM If all the flowers faded away And if all the storm clouds decided to stay Then you would find me each hour the same And it will take this life of regret For my heart to learn to forget Tomorrow will be as it always has been Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Particularly Bloggish
11/16/2005 01:05:00 PM Yeah, so this is portion of a paper I wrote for today that I thought held some very blog deserving aspects and thoughts of mine. (Particularly leaving the country soon, after having a perspective altered by the events of September 11th) As Paul Martin Lester states in the very first article, 9/11 changed the perspective of many Americans, myself included. After the attacks on the towers, was the first time I started to become aware of the Arab and Muslim communities as other minorities living in the United States, and tried to develop what exactly my thoughts were when it came to this issue, because previously I hadn’t thought about them at all. Living in my small, mostly white, town I was never confronted with the issue of having any prejudice against these groups until suddenly everyone around me, and an entire nation, were talking about them constantly and usually in a derogatory way. I knew that I didn’t like what was coming out of some people’s mouths, racial slurs, ill-mannered jokes, and of course stereotypes of a generality consisting of anyone with darker skin who wasn’t Mexican, Chinese, or African American. But I did notice in myself an awareness of whenever I saw someone looking of Arab decent, whether on TV or in a store 4ft. away from me. The fact that I would so quickly note the ethnicity of someone near, and mentally judge how far they were away from me without thinking really bothered me. Part of me wanted to know why this had changed, because I knew these individuals had done absolutely nothing for me to fear them, but still a part of me felt like I couldn’t let my guard down. Thankfully all of this has changed in the time since 9/11, especially after becoming aware of how I was reacting internally, and taking the time to sort out my feelings with the rest of America as more and more stories of crimes or prejudices against innocent Arabs (or others mistaken for them) were spread across the media. The summer of 2002, in late August with the first anniversary of 9/11 approaching, I was visiting my father, and he, my brother, and I went to the demolition derby at the county fair as we did every summer. This one I distinctly recollect, even now with a ‘bad taste in my mouth’ as some say. That year before the opening “heat” (round), they had a special event with all the contestant cars to get the crowd rallied before hand. In the middle of the ring they had placed a stuffed imitation of Osama Bin Laden on a stick, holding a pizza box with something anti-American written on it. I don’t remember the phrase, but the point of the pizza box was that whichever car could knock down Osama first would win a free pizza, which as you can assume was not really the central motivation of the drivers in this task. At first my reaction was, “Well, what do you expect from a bunch of Midwest hicks with September 11 coming, I mean, we’re at a derby for goodness sakes. A bunch of guys completely destroying each others cars for pure entertainment would most likely draw a unique crowd the way it is.” But as the crowd grew feisty, shouting all kinds of encouragement and the contestants labored to be winner (of the contest or of the crowd’s adoration?) I started to feel sick to my stomach. Even after the fake Osama had been knocked down, the cars continued to drive over the stick figure determined to completely deface what was left of the innocent pillow, sheets, and marker-ed on bearded face. The people around me, lots of them familiar faces, suddenly started looking nothing like the crowd I usually felt a part of at he derbies, and more like a mob at a lynching. I just felt so disgusted with something that was completely unnecessary (they could have just had a pizza box on a stick) that my dad could tell I didn’t seem to be getting pumped like others. Unfortunately after that, I couldn’t even enjoy a more stupid and non-politically motivated display of violence. Strangely some of the same feelings I was having at that derby that summer, have now shifted somewhat to be applied to my feelings about seeing the American flag today. After 9/11 I became somewhat supportive of Bush, I was fairly impressed with how well he seemed to be dealing with a national crisis so early following his entry to office. Whether his actions as President have changed at all since then, or people are finally distanced enough from their pain/anger surrounding the aftermath that many don’t feel the need to go to war, since then I know at least my own opinion has shifted. When I see the flag, of course one of the first things I think of is supporting the troops overseas, yet I feel hesitancy in making any patriotic displays myself. It’s like being torn again in that mob at the fair; the mob made of all the people I knew and loved from around town, a community I’m part of and loyal to and supporting of, but whose actions I am not. This pressure is one pressing down on me more recently, as I’m starting to prepare for my semester abroad in a few months. I’m slightly afraid of what meaning, anything I have resembling the U.S. or anything remotely patriotic, may be conveyed to people in another country. I don’t want to be judged for the actions of some in my country, but I also don’t want to feel ashamed of my country either. Simply being an American overseas is enough to attract certain stereotypes of character and beliefs that I don’t want to provoke any unnecessary glares or comments. When I see dozens of patriotic stickers decorating the bumper of car, I myself almost scoff at the overly zealous American in my own country, so something as simple as using a credit card adorned with the symbol of the American flag in a foreign country could warrant an equal or larger reaction from a non-American. Or if I happen to mention that I like country music, some people might instantly assume I mean that Toby Keith song about America sticking a boot up their ass (a country song I happen to not like). So even now, after being born in, and living in this country for 19 years, knowing what being American means is still something that I’m personally struggling with. Tuesday, November 15, 2005
They, Know I Can't Resist Them, That's Why They Do This To Me
11/15/2005 04:41:00 PM Yeah, so I was planning on going to at least ONE of the 3 London dates for Mraz's UK tour. I mean, if he's there (and for 3 nights) and I'm there, I just have to go stalk, I mean, see him. Right? Yeah, so apparently living in another country isn't going to save me money on concerts at all either. Abby told me that the KC is also gonna have a couple shows there in Feb. Dammit. Now I KNOW I'm gonna have to buy tickets. Because I mean, if Abby said she would go with me to those, I can't let her down now can I? I have to be Steph, that way she has an excuse of why she has to go. Because she has to go with Steph. I can't take away her fake frustration slash secret enjoyment of seeing these (what I know will be great) shows, just because I'm gonna try to be responsible? Can I? I mean, I could, but that would be sooooo much less fun. Cause then not only have I see my 2 favorites live, but I'd have gotten to see them live, multiple times, and in multiple countries! Seriously, I mean, how can I refuse this ESPECIALLY around 3:05 to 3:25
Monday, November 14, 2005
AOL to broadcast Classic TV Shows!
11/14/2005 08:50:00 PM I was browsing USAToday.com, and I found the following article. I think it's a terrific idea. Gah! I'm starting to love AOL, first all the music videos, and live AOL Sessions performances, and then streaming entire live concerts....now this :) www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2005-11-14-aol-classic-tv_x.htm AOL to webcast classic TV shows By Jefferson Graham, USA TODAY LOS ANGELES — America Online is bringing classic TV to the Internet. AOL announced Monday a joint venture with corporate partner Warner Bros. to webcast 300 episodes a month of 100 classic TV series, beginning in January. They will be shown free, on demand, with four 15-second commercials per episode on AOL.com in the USA. With the new In2TV feature, AOL and Warner Bros. are seeking to find a home for shows that have ended syndication and cable runs. AOL will offer six "channels" of shows — including drama, comedy and cartoons, with at least 10 episodes of each show. A focus on video, primarily at AOL's popular music section, has been a catalyst to the comeback, says Kevin Conroy, executive vice president of AOL Media Networks. ...and here's a list of the first 30 shows they'll air... Welcome Back, Kotter Chico and the Man Perfect Strangers Hangin' with Mr. Cooper Head of the Class Sisters Falcon Crest Scarecrow and Mrs. King Spenser: For Hire Eight is Enough Beetlejuice Freakazoid Histeria New Adventures of Batman Pinky and the Brain Lois and Clark Babylon V Freddy's Nightmares Wonder Woman V Le Femme Nikita Kung Fu Adventures of Briscoe County, Jr. The Fugitive Dark Justice Growing Pains Alice F Troop Maverick The FBI I think my favorites of those would be Growing Pains and Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. Like I don't waste enough time online as it is!!! Oh well, I'm already feeling nostalgic just looking at that list. It looks like this will be starting in January! Can't wait! I'm hoping they might put some of the old Nickelodeon shows on there, too.
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Interesting Blog I Read
11/14/2005 08:32:00 PM I don't mean to keep bringing this up, but I found a blog post by a woman talking about the song/video, and I love that this song has had such a powerful effect on people like it did for me and my mom. So instead of posting the vid again, I'll post a pretty acoustic version to listen to whilst readin ;) Wednesday, November 02, 2005 Because of You Yesterday, a lot of healing took place in my house. I happened to read WICatholic's post about the song Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. I purchased Kelly's CD during my husband's affair because there were SO many good songs on it that expressed my pain so poignantly (especially Behind These Hazel Eyes). Whenever I heard the song Because of You, I thought about myself and how, because of what my husband did to me, I would always be afraid to trust anyone else from then on (at that point, he'd left and I thought my marriage was over for good). I also saw it from another perspective....that of my childhood and the pain of seeing my father physically abuse my mother, cheat on her (he actually took me to one of his mistresses houses to spend the night without telling my mother and had her worried sick), etc. But I'd never thought of it from my oldest daughter's perspective, who is the only one of my children who knows what her father did and that he truly left us (my son thinks he went on a "business trip" for those two weeks, and Natalie is too young to know anything) When I saw WI's post, I wondered if my daughter might have been affected the way the person in the song was. And it broke my heart. Well, sure enough, that night, I went to my TiVo list and started skimming through MTV videos I'd recorded, completely forgetting about seeing WI's post and all the thoughts it had brought up for me. I had never seen the video for Because of You before, but there it was. I started to play it and Amanda comes up to me and says, "Oh my gosh, mom. Have you seen this? It made me cry so hard because I thought of dad." I watched, and I cried. I cried for her. I cried for me. I cried for our family. That video is so powerful and so overwhelming if you've been in this situation (and I've been on both ends...the child and the wife). So, I asked my husband to come into the family room and watch it with us. I thought it was important for him to know how Amanda was feeling and to see the impact it's had on her. When he started to watch it, he didn't really realize what it was all about. Until about mid-way, when he says, "Is that her as the daughter?" I watched the mother in that video and saw myself and my mother. I saw myself, taking my anxiety medication, just like that mother is doing. I know my face was haggard like that. The ONLY difference is, and this is one thing I can be proud of, is that for the month that none of the kids knew what was going on, including Amanda, I hid it all very well. I'd have my breakdowns (many of them), but I'd always go to the bathroom or bedroom and cry as quietly as I could. Nights were the worst. They all sleep with fans, so I could really belt it out and belt it out I would do! And even when Amanda finally found out, I held it together as best as I could. To see that wife's pain, it just brought up so much of the pain I'd been through. But when they got to the part where the father pulls his suitcase away from the little girl, gets in his car, and the girl watches him as he drives away, Amanda and I were both crying because that's EXACTLY what it was like when he left us (not the actions, but the feelings). Then something amazing happened. My husband, who has not shed one tear over this whole thing, who's tried to bury the guilt and remorse and has felt out of touch with his feelings, started crying so hard and had to leave the room. "That is so awful. That is just so awful. Oh my gosh, I feel so guilty," he said as he went into the office to have his breakdown finally. My daughter was still in the family room crying, and I didn't know who to go to. I hugged her and told her to go to him and she said no. So, I went to him and hugged him and told him that Amanda was crying and needed him. He went to her, and they spent a long time in a loving embrace, getting all of the pain and anger and remorse and guilt that has needed to come out for a LONG time out. And healing each other from all of that garbage. It was an amazing moment, and definitely one that God led us to, starting with WI's post. I told my husband how the video ended because he left before he could see it because he couldn't take anymore he said. (He later watched it with me alone) I told him that Kelly (who had been flashing back on her childhood in the midst of a fight with her husband) comes back to the present and stops her husband from smashing a family portrait. They embrace, and their daughter comes out of the room and sees them happy and they all hug each other. I told him that that is our family. That we turned things around. We didn't smash that picture. We are together. We are holding each other. And we are happy. We have scars, but they are healing. And our daughter sees that. We are the happy ending. We are changing the past, overcoming our own childhood scars, for us and for our children. I hope anyone who has ever thought of throwing their marriage away or having an affair will see this video. It is such a good example of the pain and the damage that is done in those circumstances. To see the video, click here or TiVo MTV's Video Wake-up (I think that's the name of it). It should still be playing there. Here are the lyrics, but you simply HAVE to watch the video to really understand the power of this song: So anyways, I don't remember if I posted this, but... About a week ago, my mom called me up one morning and was yelling at me, and was like, "Have you seen Kelly's new video!?" My mom only watches videos on CMT so I'm thinking hmm, Kelly Who? And she's like, "Kelly Clarkson! Duh!", and I was like, "Yeah, why were you watching that?" And of course she was like, "Oh, Marc had it on the wrong channel, when I told him to put on CMT" hahahaha. Anyways, she went on to tell me about how she watched it and started bawling, and wondering if that's the way I feel about her and our life, and then she got mad at me and said it was my fault that she was bawling and her face was all red before she left for school in the morning, hahahaha. I thought it was hilarious, but really almost ironic that she saw it and instantly connected it like I did, without me ever saying anything about it to her. That's really cool. and just in case Charley is readin this, BWAHAHAHAHA!!! I found and article that agrees with me! Plus he thinks my two fav songs should be next! I'm a genious! "Kelly Clarkson Must Release Another Instead of Gone by Ron Johnson (2005/11/13) Hear Me or Addicted must be released instead of Gone (which may be ok for the British more pop oriented music market) in the USA from Kelly Clarkson's album."
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Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Espanol, Irelanese, y Poloco
11/08/2005 03:29:00 PM Okay, so I AM Irish and Polish, but no I am not Spanish. That was more in reference to my class today. We got our tests back with a forewarning that the class did alot worse than normal. So that freaked me out, because lately I've been feeling like I've been sucking alot more in Spanish, and complaing about my B test grades in the upper 80's, like 88, 89 . Even though these are the same grades I got in HS Spanish? Anyways, I was REALLY worried now for my grade thinking I definitely couldn't hack a 79 or an 80, but to my sorpresa tuve un 92!!! Wooo! (or the equivalent of that in Spanish..."Ayye!!!" ?) So that made me happy, and the teacher gave me a litte, 'muy bien' as she handed it to me. Then it was time for freakout part of the day #2, class was dismissed early, but only because we had oral exams lined up, and I didn't study at all for it, cause I didn't know what to study. But alas, half of it went fine (using the preterit and imperfect to look at a comic strip and describe what was happening that day--I heard her mumble "La Mejor" the best, when I finished) and the other half not so much (describing my own day--you think this would've been easier, eh?). But even with all my miedo I pulled through for the most part and got a 32/26. Which isn't failing, so I can still live. I was having an amazing morning today, and haven't felt happier in a while, and just now my HR class was cancelled, so the day is rounding out quite nicely so far.
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Monday, November 07, 2005
Random Quiz
11/07/2005 02:44:00 PM just a quiz...cuz i was bored AND procrastinating Current mood: bored 1. What time is it?: 2:44pm 2. Name: Steph(anie) 3. Nickname(if any): Steph, Steph-O, Stepholous, Stepholuphagus, Stephyllis, Stephy McGee 4. If you were a skittle: I would undoubtedly get eaten 5. Single or taken? Single 6. zodiac: TAURUS 7. Hair color: brown, reddish tint I hear? 8. Eye color: green 9. Height: 5'2 maybe 5'3 at times? 10. Favorite Color: normally Blue, currently Green 11. Glasses, contacts or neither: both, mainly glasses recently, but contacts today 12. Braces?: from 7th-10th grade 13. Piercing/tattoos? 2 normal lobe piercings 14. Birthplace: Chadron, NE 15. Siblings names: John, Rachael (Devon?) ******HAVE YOU EVER****** 17. Cut your own hair?: yes 21. Skipped school?: yes 22. Bungee jumped?: Nope 23. Went to a concert?: often 24. Kissed someone of the same sex not related to you?: nope, wait, cheek kissed strange overly friendly people in the ThankYou line of HS Grad? 26. Stared at the stars for hours?: I wish, maybe just half an hour 27. TP'd someone's house?: someones room, someones bed, and someone's car 28. Won something?: yes 29. Asked someone out?: sorta 30. Been rejected?: sorta 31. Been to a funeral?: yes 32. Been on stage?: A Few Times 33. Used a lighter?: Too Many Times? ******FAVORITE***** 35. Food: Cheescake or Chuckwagons 36. Ice cream flavor: I prefer Sorbet 38. School subject(s): right now, Cultural Diversity in the Media 39. Breakfast cereal: Grape Nuts 40. Number(s): 25 41. Book(s): Oh dear...The Time Traveler's Wife, Lucky, The Notebook, The Lovely Bones, Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood, Gone with the Wind 43. Movie(s): Why must we choose favorites? Umm, Gone with the Wind, Moulin Rouge, Mary Poppins, Crash, Sin City, Ray, ughh, this is too painful. 45. State: I think Colorado. I don't know why I just said that. 46. Place: Improv Camp, Aurora NE 47. Sport to watch on TV: Soccer or Figure Skating 48. Sport to play: Golf 49. Bands/musicians: Infinate, I simply love music. Today I'm particularly enchanted with Stevie Wonder 50. Letter(s):S,K 51. Fast food restaraunt: Arbys 52. Disney Character: animated= the turtles or the penguins in Mary Poppins, or Rafiki from the Lion King 53. Holiday: Christmas 54. Name for a son: Zach(ary), Chris(topher or -tian), Brian, Trey, Kyle, Kelly (used to like it for a girls name, but not really since moving to LC) I'd like a name that can have a short nickname (same for girls) 55. Name for a daughter: Rebecca (Becky), Allison (Ally), Sara Lynn -also for girls I've always liked boyish names, Chris(tina), Joey/Jo, Ryan, Erin ******DO YOU PREFER****** 56. Chocolate or Vanilla? um chocolate 58. Long relationships or one night stand? long relationships 59. Dogs or cats? cats or huge dogs 60. Scary movies or comedies? both 61. Silver or gold? silver 62 Croutons or bacon bits? croutons ******FIRST THINGS THAT COME TO MIND****** 64. Mexicans: Mi Ranchito 65. School: chalk boards (i know, random) 66. Grass: golf course 67. Cow: grass 68. Canada: LOVE! 69. Mouse: Cute 70. Hands: Song by Jewel ******THE PAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU****** 71. Watched a movie?: Yes, Shakespeare in Love 72. Talked on the phone?: Yes, Katie, Mother, Maggie, Reid, Mother 73. Cried?: No 74. Threw up?: No 75. Drank a glass of water?: Bottles 76. Talked to the opposite sex?: Yes 77. Read a book or magazine?: Wicked- Gregory MacGuire and an article in People about Ellen DeGeneres 78. Watched TV?: Yes. 79. Looked in the mirror?: 2-3 times 80. Taken a shower?: Yes. 81. Taken a picture?: No. 82. Listened to music?: Yes - gotta love dancing to Stevie in the morning 83. Kissed someone?: No 84. Done your Homework?: Never 85. Told someone you loved them?: Yep, Petie and Momma on the phone ***DO YOU BELIEVE IN....****** 86. Heaven?: Sometimes 88. Aliens?: Sometimes 89. Fun for the entire family?: This was the foundation of my upbringing (even though mom didn't understand what's fun for her, not always for us) 90. Freedom of speech?: Naturally 91. Love?: Yes 92. Magic?: More often than not *******SOME RANDOM STUFF****** 93. Last movie you saw in theatres?: Wow...Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? 94. Are you listening to music right now?: No...only in my head (Jewel-Hands) 95. What clothes are you wearing right now?: Jeans, Marc's holey maroon sweatshirt, and a blue baseball cap Do you like your middle name?: Most, of all my names 97. What is the best thing since sliced bread?: Fruit Cups 98. What color is your backpack?: Variations of blues 99. Who is Mike Jones?: My babby's daddy? Or was he in that movie?
Dude! Where's My Car!!?
11/07/2005 01:55:00 PM Okay, so this morning completely freaked me out. I felt like I had stepped straight off of my doorstep and into Ashton Kutchers shoes. My entire street was empty of cars (which is extremely odd, btw) except for this white van that blocked a partial view. I was like, dude, where is my car? Because I thought I had parked it on my side of the street, and the only other possible place it could have been was on the opposite side, and strategically hidden by this big white van. So, I cursed the van, and told it my car had better be behind it or I was going to kick it's hiney, and when I walked around it and across the street, I thankfully had that moment of "Dude...THERE's your car!" hahaha. So there you have my random movie moment of today. Friday, November 04, 2005
I really DO love the Help Desk
11/04/2005 12:15:00 PM Okay, so yesterday before my Spanish test (as if that wasn't enough stress) I found out that Study Abroad had cashed my deposit early, so my bank account was not prepared for the $165 withrawl this week (since I don't get paid till today) and my account was suddenly -$40. Then I was all freaking out but got it sorted out after my test. So today, I thought, everything will be fine, I just have to go pick up my check this morning and all will be right with the world. Yeah, except when I went to the Business Office they told me there was a hold on my paycheck, so I had to go talk to Payroll. Apparently Terri (my boss Kristi's boss) had signed my timesheet for me (cause Kristi was gone, and plus Terri just loves me) but Terri's signature isn't an approved one for me. So that means I get no money untill I get this sorted out. So I get this fixed and go back, and they tell me that I'm running out of Work Study early now. So I was freaking out more thinking how the hell am I gonna get money for December's food/rent/bills and get home if I don't have a job. So freaking out more I go talk to Kristi, and I barely had 2 words come out of my mouth and she was like. Don't worry about it. They'll send me a thing, and I'll put you on the thing (which translates to, she's going to hire me on Budget for the rest of the semester). Which is just awesome, and another reason why I love the Help Desk :)
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Wow, i'd say that this is what blogs are for. Okay, so its natural to feel jealous in this situation. I'm sure that right now, especially since you're going to be going to to London for a semester, you kinda feel like he's taking your place in the family. But you know that's not how it is. Your parents are doing what they can to make him feel comforitable in the new enviroment. There is no way that you could ever be replaced. And your parents know that just because you aren't into the hunting and fishing and all that stuff that it doesn't make you any less of a family member. Your parents love you... and so does Wheezy. Just don't worry about these things because you know in your heart that you could never be replaced and that you are happy that Devon is feeling welcome into the family. As you know, with a town like Loup City it's very important to at least have a strong connection with your family, because the rest of the town will be much less likely to accept you when you're new.
Okay, so now i think that i have successfully written a blog comment that is far too long. I hope that you have a good rest of the week and make sure you let me know what your plans are. Later.
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