tired.

(not lonely, per Chivas, haha---and no one is going to get that, but now the song is in my head).

I had to get up and paint again at 7:30 this am, and last night I went to bed around 4-ish? I just couldn't sleep.

Which I partially blame on that damn episode. Really. It was just so uncomfortable to watch, and stuck with me all evening. You know when you see a movie or something, and you just really don't know what you think about it afterwards, and it just lingers with you all day, while your mind processes it (or tries to anyways). I don't know if the initial shock was because you never really think of a woman forcing herself on another woman, or because I didn't (and don't btw) think those characters would have really been in that situation (just like I don't think the George/Izzie relationship is a natural of a manifestation as much as a writer's "great idea").

But I do know that part of the discomfort for me was also due to the fact that I have a friend who was in almost the exact same situation with her husband, rather than lesbian lover, during a fight. Only instead of her shirt being ripped off, it was her underwear (and I don't think she went crazy biting him). Hearing that story (or rather reading it, written down as a statement, just in case for the police) was one thing, but then seeing the visualization of it, even with two completely different people (though I've come to think of them as friends ;) really struck a cord. The married couple are still together, so I won't be naming names or anything, but I'm sure that's why the scene resonated so powerfully with me.

Anyways, enough of that. The L Word is done. Until I buy each season on DVD. (See, here's where that 'good pirate' thing comes into play. I purchase the things I enjoy after pirating them. I'm more of a 'Sampler' really, than a 'pirate'. I just got carried away and sampled every single episode created for this particular show.)


So anyways. This morning while my Dad and I were painting, he was on the other side of the house talking to the neighbor lady and hearing him say, "Well, my oldest is 21" kinda lingered strangely to my ears.

Not that it made me feel old (because obviously I'm still a petulant child at heart), but for whatever reason, hearing him say that of his three children, made my Dad seem much older to me in that moment. When I think of other people with kids in their 20s, they seem much older than my parents.

Generally I suppose they are, in most cases, but still. Even then, my Dad still has about another 20 years untill all of his kids are grown. Every now and again it still surprises me to think that when his other daughter is 21, I will be 39 years old, the same age as my Dad now. I mean, I know that I'm old enough to be Rachael's mother, but it will be interesting to see what my life is like at that time, and having a little sister that will probably only be a few years older than my own children. I think I'm already trying to figure out how I can still have a sisterly bond with her, without having a relationship that's more of an Adult/Child. Should definitely be interesting.

It's definitely part of the reason I'm trying so hard to get along really well with Stacey, because regardless of what happens in the future or where my Dad is, I always want to be there, and be accessible to her. I know her mom is kinda a control freak, and always will be, when it comes to letting her kids go anywhere or do anything independent without her, but I'm hoping I can start building my own relationship with Stacey (rather than just being Roger's daughter) that way there's some level of trust and reliabilty should Rachael ever want to come visit me for a weekend, or if I want to take her to do fun stuff like a concert, theme park, etc. etc. with my family or kids in the future. Ooo! Or take her to London or something as a graduation present. (Which obviously would be yet another excuse for me to go back, as well as a kick ass gift)

Is it wierd that I think about these things?

Not that I'm planning on having any children anytime soon, but...it's important to keep in mind I think, to make sure I'm continually keeping doors like those open as I get older, etc.

Speaking of children, I've also been deep in thought about that over the last year, and although at one point, I decided I shouldn't have kids, because I didn't think i had anything to offer a child, or doubted that I could be self-less enough, and didn't know if I wanted to be responsible for bringing another life into this world we're living in (doesn't the outlook just seem to get more grim every day?), only to leave them in a place worse than the one I lived in.

After the week when I thought I might have a cyst on an ovary, I seriously had to consider how I would feel if I physically couldn't have kids, and came to the conclusion I was okay with it. Since then I've kinda veered back to the decision that I definitely want to adopt. I'm not against actually giving birth to a child, I'd totally be game if it happened, or even if I don't naturally concieve from a relationship, I'd go through a donor. But I definitely definitely still want to adopt a child, regardless of whether I ever get married or not. Being able to make an impact so huge as giving a child a home, love, and more often than not a better life, and the opportunity for happiness in the future, would almost be selfish instead of self-less, because it truly is giving purpose to your life, and your directly improving the life of someone else.

That seems to be what I'm craving right now, for myself. Just...purpose. Making a difference. I still definitely want to join the Peace Corps. I'm just struggling on deciding when to do it, yet not taking it off the shelf just yet for fear that I'll never get around to it. Which I don't think I'd do, but I'm fearful of. Generally if I say I'm going to do something, eventually, I will make it happen (ie, out-of-state college, living in London, going to NYC..okay that one hasn't happened just yet, but give it a couple weeks). Life is seriously just too short to waste it by not taking risks, being happy, or wasting it by just 'being here'. It's a good excuse for anything really.


Yikes, this thing is kinda long. Who knew watching a show about a bunch of lesbians in West Hollywood would lead to such a life contemplative post. So serious. Gotta end it on a light note.

Your moment of randomness for the day:

Contemporary - Dominic and Sabra
Choregraphed by Mia Michaels

Just because I love this song.
..and the Pretenders
...and it's pretty to look at.

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